Rainbows in the sky

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Went for dental appointment earlier on today. Everything's going on well.. the dentist said the wounds are healing well. Now I'm a very good girl ok.. I rinse my mouth at least after taking something and I brush my teeth whenever I remember or feel that there's dirt. I must take good care of my teeth and gums... I don't wanna go through that again man!

Going back to work today liaoz. Very sian actually. I think I've been away from work for too long. And I don't feel like going back to work at all, seriously! It's like so damn nice to take a long break from all that crap. But then I wanna go back also cos I wanna be there with Jun. She's really stressed up these days and I might not be of help to her but at least I'm there and I will do all I can to help her. Sigh. I really don't know how else to help her, really. I think she's pushing herself off the edge soon. And matters of the heart, who am I to advise?

Might be taking another break end of this month.. again! I think they're gonna say I'm some irresponsible person who takes leave as and when I like. But then again, I think I really need and deserve it. Previously the leave was unavoidable cos of medical reasons ma. Now the leave is cos I really need a break! And yahoo man, might be going for a short and nice trip with my folks and sista! Really look forward to it and hope everything goes smoothly. Hope the trip will be successful cos I've never gone on a holiday with dad dad before!

Alright, off to bed.

Never be too greedy and always find a good thing in every bad thing. =) Love ya people!

~11:06 PM

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Monday, July 02, 2007

All girls are stupid and all guys are cheap.

Why is it that all my life I'm in love with only bastards who don't even know what the meaning of love is?

Maybe cos I'm a bitch. And so a bitch matches with a bastard.

Just not too long ago, I was still very happy to be in contact with my ex boyfriend. We were good friends and I really liked that kinda feeling. Where he msged me now and then to ask how I was doing and that he showed genuine care and concern for me. I was really happy with the way things were. But then, something had to happen between us and now our friendship or whatever you may call it is ruined once again. It took us a VERY long time to keep in contact and to talk like friends again, to be able to go out without feeling that awkward. Moreover it was he who initiated to keep in touch, something that his egoistic nature would not allow him to do. Well now.. things are no longer the same. And I know, will never be the same. Should I say " Oh just as well? " or "It's a pity?" I really don't know.

I liked him alot.. even after we became friends, I still foolishly harboured hopes that we would be together once again. Afterall, when he asked for a breakup, he said he wanted a "break" and that we would see how things went for us for the next couple of years before deciding again. And that explained why I thought there might be this teeny weeny ray of hope. Anyhow, its just a one sided kinda thing. Recently because of something that happened, I decided to voice out how I was feeling. And for now, I am very certain that he is definitely not coming back and I shouldn't hope for anything anymore. I have already given up all hopes after the facts have been placed infront of me. To put it bluntly, he is really an asshole. Yeah, even he admitted it himself. I asked him what and who he regarded me as. He told me that he regarded me as a really good friend but right now relationship is not his priority or it has not crossed his mind yet cos he said he doesn't know what his future is gonna be like. He has got other things on hand right now.. like studies. And he said he doesn't wanna be together with me YET cos he can't promise me a future. And that he might not be the best candidate and that he doesn't wanna be a hindrance. He also said that he does have feelings for me but it is not the time yet.

CRAP right? Can't promise me a future.. When he actually sent me the msg, deep inside I was laughing at how such a fool I was. And at the same time, I had "deciphered" what he meant. I know what he's like and what's hidden in his very words. And so in conclusion, I was a fool but I will no longer be a fool... for him, anymore.

You can jolly well FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE ARSEHOLE!

My rotten teeth..

Recently I was admitted into the hospital to extract both my wisdom and molar tooth out. It was quite a painful experience I must say. The reason why I had to be admitted was because of the medication I'm on which causes my blood to be very thin and hence cause my gums to bleed profusely. Anyway, its a complicated issue la. So they cleaned my teeth as well and it was damn pain can. They dig into the gums to get all the dirt out.. and mind you I haven't visited a dentist since.... I was pri 6? WAHAHAHA. So you can imagine the amount of dirt they gotta clean. Gross.So they extracted the molar one out first and they had to break it up. After they gave me the jab and all and after they extracted it out... I felt very giddy and I vomited. I couldn't even walk straight to the toilet to relieve myself. Then came the time to extract the wisdom tooth. Actually the process wasn't painful. Most of you might know it's only when the effect wears off that it would hurt. When I got back to the ward.. the first thing I picked up was my mirror. Damn, I looked like a swollen pig. Then suddenly when I was about to lie down, I felt damn unwell. My nose started to bleed non-stop and my throat was clogged with blood, my gums were bleeding though I was biting on the gauze. I filled up 4 bags of blood from my nose and mouth. I kept wanting to puke and all that came out was blood clots. It was really a bloody affair. My poor mum had to keep bringing me plastic bags and tissue paper and see me vomit the blood and help me stuff my nose with tissue. After sometime... the valve suddenly closed. Phew. And sad to say.. the aunty beside my bed had just passed away... And the ward was very crowded.

I tried to get some rest but just couldn't. Especially at night. I kept salivating blood and it stained my shirt. I just had to keep spitting into the bag and clean with tissue. Almost the whole 2 nights I just sat on my bed and when I finally fell to sleep... I would suddenly wake up to clean my blood stained shirt. It was really tiring. It wasn't much of pain.. rather discomfort. I soon developed a fever and they had to put me on the antibiotic drip. My face started to develop a big and ugly bruise. The third night if I'm not wrong.. I cried cos I was feeling so uncomfortable. I felt so damn tired yet I couldn't sleep. It was really torturing. I would only doze off into sleep in the hot and dry afternoons. I haven't had good sleep since I had been warded. The next day I slept very well. Thankfully. Only by the fourth day or so my gums stopped bleeding. I had to go back to the dentist several times.

It was really a yucky experience.. especially when the gums wouldn't stop bleeding and I had to keep getting out of bed to get myself tissue and empty the plastic bags. I fed on porridge all the days and still am feeding on porridge. Sigh. But then.. naughty me. I already consumed some chocolates, drank some sweet stuff and eat some harder to chew stuff. With the help of my front row of teeth. And so now I look totally like a greedy squirrel. But then.. I would never fail to brush my teeth and rinse my mouth with the gargle at least after taking something.

Now I learn to take good care of my teeth. I dislike visits to the dentist, I really do since I was a kid. Am gonna see the dentist tomorrow.. probably to take out the stitches. I tell ya the way they stitch is really cool!!!

Hail healthy gums and teeth for life!

~4:47 PM

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Monday, June 11, 2007

Sometimes I think humans are kinda greedy. Not greedy-food greedy but human greed ya know. Perhaps its only human to feel and act this way.

I admit I'm one of those above mentioned, ashamed to say.

Just today in fact, I was told I had gotten a pay raise. Something which I had been unhappy and felt that it has been so unfair to us for. And always grumbling that we gotta take up more responsibilites and having being a senior for so long, we're actually paid even lesser than the NEWLY recruited staff or on par. Dumb right? What kinda logic is that sia. I always thought there is no extra motivation to work since we're being paid the same yet we have to answer for our juniors' mistakes and wrongs. I mean, c'mon! We undergo more stress from everyone. Naturally people expect more of you.

And so after our months of oppostion and grumblings, our co-ordinator Ein actually did something for us. She wrote in together with Indra to actually petition on behalf of us. And so I was told the good news today by the two guys. But I'm supposed to actually act blur when I go back on work the day after tomorrow. Cos I didn't actually "hear" from the horse's mouth itself. Erm, so to speak. Ok I'm thinking about something mean again. Horse's mouth. Ok that's gonna be tough though I know many say I can be awarded the golden horse awards for my good acting skills. Don't need to applause. But then you see ah, Jun and I joined last Apr. And then Fadzli..aiya also don't know when he joined then now only the three of us got the increment la. Then if ours were 100 bucks then why Fadzli 70 bucks?! So much can. Ok I'm just one jealous and bitter young git. Perhaps indra is right, he got a family to feed. So don't be so calculative la. But cos fadzli is so damn annoying! I often tell him that and he knows it very well too.

Anyway point is, I finally got what I wanted. But yet I'm not satisfied. When you give someone something, usually someone would naturally want more. Ok, I mean generalisation. But is it really that difficult to satisfy humans' wants and needs? Why do I think this way? I am thankful for being given what I have but yet sometimes I think..actually it doesnt really make much of a difference anyway. Anyway others are also about the same as me, so what's so special about the increment? Moreover others are drawing more than me somemore.And its only a 100 bucks. Big deal.

Argh. I'm just a confused, contradicting individual! So often I have two people within me debating against each other. So damn annoying.

But then...still. YAHOO for the increment nonetheless!! Cheers!

*I am happy being able to maintain things like that with him. :)

~11:24 PM

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Friday, June 08, 2007

Oh well haven't been feeling well for the past few days.

Firstly it was gastric or food poisoning. Till now still don't know sia. I was feeling damn hungry one afternoon after work so fadzli offered to microwave the bao which he bought in the morning. So greedy me ate it and felt so damn satisfied. Then on the way home from tampines, I felt some major stomach ache. I thought it was just one of my frequent tummy ache attacks, so I ignored. But when I reached home it got unbearable and I couldn't move but lie still on my bed and of course my old remedy to rub the yu yee oil on my tummy. Even my mum and my sister came to help me. Then suddenly I buay tahan already so I went to vomit. And I swear I could taste the bao and I vomited only the bao out. For the rest of the night I felt so sick.

The next morning and afternoon I spent my time resting. Till evening I decided to go consult a doc. And that was when I got two days MC. Hiak Hiak. That was tuesday and wednesday. So thurs I went back for training and for my own afternoon shift. At the start of my shift, I already felt sick sia. Kept sneezing and I even bought a nasal spray which is so damn yucky. Then during evening time I fell more and more uneasy. My limbs felt cold and I found swallowing things uneasy and painful. I felt feverish. So me being the big baby called my mum and she said to call my dad and ask if he was able to fetch me. Anyway, I went to a 24 hrs clinic with my parents and I was told I had a fever, a sore throat and a bad cold.

I felt really sick when I reached home. I was shivering. So after eating something light and having taken my medicine I went to bed. But I couldn't sleep. I seriously felt so damn uneasy and sick. My mum came to attend to me with towels to bring down the fever.

Anyway I fell asleep on-off. But most of the time I was sitting on my bed in a daze. Suddenly I woke up at a point of time and I felt so damn well. I itchy backside went online. Then I felt so tired so I told myself I'd better get some rest. So I went to sleep. Scully around 5+ I woke up feeling nauseous. I thought I'd better stand by at the door in case the vmoit really gushes out. Bingo. I ran to the toilet and vomited till my throat felt so sore and was bleeding and my nose followed suit as well. Anyway I went back to bed with my mum bringing in the towels again.

When I woke up it was late morning.

Keep falling ill these days. Is it really because I do too many OT and ignored my health? Sigh. I think I'd better do something about myself. :(

Oh and I really do like him. But like what she said I guess he's like that to everyone. So caring and a hot favourite among the girls. But somehow I wish to think I'm the more priviledged one. =) Teeheehee.

One more thing is that I'm beginning to lose my friend. Very often we hear people saying things like " She has changed so much I don't know her anymore " Now I can really relate to that very well. My good friend has really changed so much. Was it because of the "break-up" that caused her to be like that? Sometimes I think I really do miss the joker and carefree her, alot. Now she is so pessimistic, sensitive, calculative and sometimes I would really consider using the term bitchy on her. She can really hurt you alot with her actions and words. Sigh.

Will you return me my friend pretty please?

~8:48 PM

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Have you ever done something that you regret so much it keeps haunting you and you can't forgive yourself no matter how hard you try?

Well, I have.

In the past, I was stupid and naive. I did many so many fucking wrong things. Things that a normal person wouldn't have done. Something shameful, something that still bring back bad memories. I truly regret every single thing that I've done. Why did I do it knowing it was all wrong? Cos I was just very stupid to have been emotional blackmailed. And still submitted to stupid emotional blackmail time and time again. My human weakness. I am human. I feel. No matter how strong I was and how determined I was to stop it from happening, I gave in time and time again. And it didn't help when someone used emotional blackmail on me. I'm not blaming someone else for what I chose to do. I had a choice yet I chose to give in.

Now I can't forgive myself. I asked God for pardon and to grant me the forgiveness I need to render myself. Yet it just keeps coming back like a bad nightmare. I am being reminded of it every single other day and time. I believe my God is a forgiving and merciful God who welcomes sinners who have strayed back with wide open arms. But the thing is, I just can't forgive myself. Cos I knew it was wrong yet I chose to do it. Not only once but many times.

And one fine day I was praying and I told God to give me the strength to walk away from it. I wanna do something right and stop doing the things that only hurt the people around me( If they ever do find out ) and hurt God. I knew it was for the good of myself too. Finally, I managed to do it. It wasn't easy in the process but eventually with the help from God and wanting to really change, I did it. I am proud of myself in a sense and wished I had that will power to actually stop it way way before.

Perhaps the nice souls out there would actually tell me that all these things are here to teach us a lesson. And that at least I have repented. I know I have many nice friends who encourage and still accept me. But will any still do the same if they were really to find out what I actually did? Something that is so very unforgivable.

Oh God, I hope I can find in me the heart to forgive myself and to accept the fact that I have changed and that everyone deserves a chance.

:(

Labels: Unforgivable sinner.

~7:29 PM

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Friday, March 02, 2007

What does love mean to you? Or rather what does it mean to me?

I don't know what's my current status, I'm confused. But sometimes it doesn't really matter, does it?

There are so many if-s and why-s swirling in my mind.

If a guy really cares about his girl, wouldn't he do things for her when she's not feeling well or even just show her his concern?

If a guy really cares about his girl, wouldn't he want to let his girl know what he's doing, where he is or just call/msg to just let her know that somehow she is still on his mind? I know love doesn't equate to being possessive or being demanding, wanting to know every single detail of his life.

If two people like each other, does it all mean physical?

If he doesn't care then why does he still hold me or kiss me? What exactly does he want from me?

Is it really very annoying or naggy to just ask about how his day went or ask what he plans to do with the rest of his day?

Don't two people who like each other communicate with each other? Or understand each other even better to another level?

Don't they try to be understanding towards each other? I'm not expecting him to treat me the exact same way I treat him. But if I can be understanding towards him, why can't he?

I don't think he really understands me like I don't understand him that much. But it doesn't matter to him anyway. He doesn't want to.

I think even my friends are more understanding. Thanks for pulling and holding my hand when you know I can't walk anymore. I'm exhausted. My heart needs the rest. But why do you still ask me to keep walking? Do you understand what's going on?

Why do my friends say I'm being too sensitive about things that doesn't exist? I mean is this how it's supposed to be? They say he cares about me, they say if he doesn't, why does he bother to go out with me? Yeah talking about that, he doesn't suggest anything anymore. Maybe I should just take it in my stride. If it goes on well, then good. If not, then just let it be. Maybe I shouldn't care so much.

But who's gonna answer to my questions? Perhaps only he can. But then again, I don't think it really matters to him that much anyway, anyway.

Isit just me???

But if it isn't, then don't call me baby.

~11:21 PM

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Friday, February 16, 2007

~11:12 AM

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Friday, February 09, 2007

About a week ago, after I returned home from my afternoon shift, my 2nd bro excitedly ushered me into my room and told me he wanted to tell me a joke. I was like.. "Goodness, is this guy retarded or what?" So I sat myself down and he began his joke telling session. I was like abit half dead by then.

Anyway, let me share with you what he told me. And you be the judge. Somehow they sound familar. So you guys might have heard before.

One day three men were stranded on an island because of a plane crash. So this evil guy who rule the island greeted them. He said to them " You who wanna survive, come back with 10 fruits, any size and shape you want, and you would have to squeeze the 10 up your ass. The one who manages to do it without any kind of facial expression and sound survives. If not you shall die." And so the three men went in search.

The first man came back with.. ( ok i cant remember what the fruit was. ) apples. He started to shove them up his ass. 1...2....3....4.....5....with a straight face but no more could be shoved in. And so he was killed.

( Hang on guys.. )

The second man was smart, he came back with cherries. And so he started to shove them in. 1...2....3....4....5....6....7.....8....9...but then he suddenly burst out with laughter. And so he was killed. ( Cos they were not suppose to display any facial expression and sound, remember. )

So the two men met in heaven. And the first one asked the second.. " You were doing very well, you could have survived! What made you laugh at the 9th cherry?"

Then the second guy answered....

"Cos I saw the third man coming back with durians! "

When he finished the joke, my bro was like LOL. But I was like... " Huh. "

Bro & Sis : Why you so slow one? You don't get the joke ah?

Me: No. Cos its not funny!

Bro: =(

Sorry bro didnt mean to hurt you. But really not funny ma!!!!

~3:19 PM

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Saturday, February 03, 2007

Sourcing for a new job. I'm really kinda sick of this place! Moreover, the pay is like so damn shitty. Although I admit that the job is really fun and relaxing. But I think it's about time I think long term. Sometimes I don't know what's stopping me from sending in my resume to job applications. I go like " Hey this job sounds good but..." I really don't know what's at the back of my mind, someone figure for me can?

I hope to leave this phase of my life behind me, somehow. Cos I know it's never gonna work out. But one thing that I'm very sure of is never blame others for your downfall even if you guys went through it together. Don't ever learn to regret. From now onwards, I must have a mind of my own, to make decisions that I will never come to regret about. I promise I will be strong enough to do this now, at least for my own good. In this life of mine, I have done so many things recently that I regret but I don't blame anyone now cos it was my own choice and decision to do so. I was so blinded, but now I can see ever so clearly.

Now my soul shall seek strength and never fall into the devil's plans AGAIN. I gotta overcome it. If not why do my tears keep falling and my heart keeps breaking?

P.S : Don't be freaked guys. Its just the stronger side of me talking. Gimme the support won't you?

~7:03 PM

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

There is someone who still makes my heart skip a beat and creates a smile when he msges me or chats with me.

Yup, it's still my ex bf. =)

But then again, I'm very sure that there's no chance of us getting back together. So let us just be very good friends, like now.

He's the one.

~3:12 AM

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